What's a Snooki?

If you don't go to Rutgers, read the news, or hear anything about anything, then you probably haven't heard of the whole controversy surrounding Rutgers paying Snooki $32,000 to perform (whatever her kind of performance is) in front of the student body. If you don't know who Snooki is, then I applaud you and by all means, you don't have to read any further. Seriously, stop reading. It gets depressing after this paragraph.


That's a Snooki. What exactly comprises a Snooki is unknown, but after some scientific investigation, it is believed to have emerged out of a combination of Grumpy of the seven dwarfs, shame, and a particularly virulent strain of gonorrhea. She attained fame after being a whiney, strung-up harpie on a show called Jersey Shore, which may quite possibly be the absolute nadir for idiocy on television. She is about as tall as a garden gnome, and may just be related to some since she seems to be able to grow a beard at a moment's notice. Also, if she becomes infatuated with you, I would suggest arming yourself to the teeth with machetes and attack dogs. If all else fails, have a flame thrower because cutting of her head won't stop her.
Anyway, Rutgers paid her $32,000 to do a "comedy show," though the extent of her comedy would be her throwing up and having sex with the fattest person in the room after a night of excessive drinking. She likely also yelped like a chihuahua and then curled up into a ball to sleep. The largest point of contention is not just hiring her, but that she was paid more than the commencement speaker and Nobel laureate, Toni Morrison. Many are saying that it is a clear sign of the priorities at Rutgers, seeing as Snooki told students to "study hard, and party harder." Seriously.
I'm quite sure that Snooki got a 10 on the SATs even though 400 points are given for writing your name. Snooki once ate a worm because she thought that it was made of "gummies." She was 20. Snooki once confused George Washington for her grandfather because they are both old and dead. Snooki played "the troll" in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Snooki drinks out of a toilet when she's thirsty. Snooki's make-up qualifies her as a barbie doll, except she was denied to be one because she's too ugly and continually saps the souls and money of innocent men. I think you get the picture.

Either way, it's an affront to good sense and education. If you're going to get a comedian, at least get one that's funny and of good repute.

That's all for now,
Das Flüg