Giving Thanks

Hey y'all,
Since Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm going to basically be in a food-induced coma for the foreseeable future, I thought that I would write a little something about what I think Thanksgiving means. Well, my interpretation.
Back before the internet, television, and (gasp!) cellphones, there was...well, I would assume general boredom, due to the lack of aforementioned essentials. Anyway, one day, a few guys got so bored over in Europe that they decided to launch a really long game of Risk and attack the dudes across the ocean. The dudes on the American continent, thinking that the new neighbors were just being friendly bros bringing over some raisin bread, invited the European dudes to have some dinner.
So, while the American and European dudes sat down eating their raisin bread and other crazy-looking shit the European dudes had never seen before, the European dudes were formulating their master plan: take over the American continent by biological warfare. So, while the American dudes were sleeping at night, the European dudes peed in the American dudes' milk and sneezed on their corn. Pretty soon, all the American dudes broke out in hives and what could only be described as herpes, as one of the European dudes masturbated in the American dudes' clam chowder. So, the European dudes then went on to rape the land and pillage the people, moving up and down the American continents like two midgets engaged in the carnal delight of coitus. Just before totally taking over all the land, the European dudes turned to the American dudes and said, "Dude, thanks for giving us all your land!"

And that, my friends, is how Thanksgiving was born (and also how raisin bread is now an anathema. Stupid raisins, so delectable...).


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Women.

To me, the most perplexing and mysterious species to inhabit the universe. I've heard many things about women, most of which is contradictory and confusing. For instance, I have heard that women like nice guys, but at the same time, they are attracted to "badassery." I have heard that women like smart guys, but at the same time, it isn't hard to find pretty women with less-than-brilliant guys.

I'm a nerd. I'm a vegetarian nerd. I'm a vegetarian nerd that hates contemporary music. I'm a vegetarian nerd that hates contemporary music who also plays sports. I feel badly if I even THINK that I might have hit an animal with my car. Based on that, should I not be swimming in interested girls?

Nope. Not even close. The first judgment of the opposite sex is based on appearance, dress, etc. (Though it sometimes boils down to parental issues, but I don't care to blather on about behavioral psychology.) I don't wear the pretentious, cheap crap that Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie, and the like sell. I buy my clothes at either A. Target, or B. Thrift stores. Actually, most of my clothes are from things like soccer and various college-associated junk, which I get for free. Whoop-de-doo.

I own one Hollister shirt, and that is because I was applying for a job there. I bought the shirt 15 minutes before the interview, and I didn't get the job. The shirt is extraordinarily tight. I don't like it.

So what if I don't put a tubful of gel in my hair, or don't wear the latest stupid clothing fads? A good pair of Levi jeans is worth a million bucks to me. Ideally, attraction would be based on emotional and mental characteristics. Pssh, yeah right. Our attraction to other individuals is based on the ancestral need to place good genes in our offspring. So what if I have blue eyes? I'm 5'8; being short doesn't help.

At least John Lennon figured something out.


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