Why Facebook is the Stupidest Investment You Could Make (Right Now)

Facebook, the ubiquitous social network, star of the movie "The Social Network," and black hole on which people spend way too much time (including myself), became a publicly-traded company this past week. Yes, that's right kids, your parents can own a small percentage of that webpage where you stash all your raunchy photos and stalk your ex-girlfriends (or boyfriends, not discriminating) from afar. Unfortunately for Mr. Mark Zuckerberg and his book of faces, the stock price hasn't risen since a slight increase on day 1 of public trading.

If it wasn't obvious to everyone else but me, Facebook is not a company that is geared to make money. It is a company that relies mainly on advertising for revenue; aside from that, it has no product to sell and no outlooks as to other products it might release. Zucks recently stated that the company could come out with their own phone, though because the smartphone market is so saturated and dominated by a few major companies (Apple, Google, etc.), the prospects for a Facebook phone raising their dwindling stock price (now at $31; highest level: $40) are about as good as world peace befalling Earth tomorrow. Ain't gonna happen, sadly.

Facebook, fortunately, has the capacity to be an advertising giant; as of right now, an estimated 800,000,000 people have accounts (including myself, sadly). That being said, one still has to gauge the effectiveness of the advertisements on the target audience; I'll use myself as an example. On Facebook, I set my birthday as 7 December, 1941 (Pearl Harbour strike, for those of you who have never read a history book). So, looking at my ads right now, I have one asking me if I'd like to enter a nursing home and if I'm over 40 and single. Well, I may not be over 40, but I am single, so ladies, and this might be crazy, but I'm single, so call me maybe.

If Facebook hopes to succeed as a publicly-traded company, they need to take the Google approach and diversify. Google started out as a simple search engine and has grown to become one of the leading technology companies in the world. They only hire the best and brightest, which has helped to accelerate their company growth. As of right now, Facebook is just a social network, and one that I'll hopefully leave after this game of Words With Friends.

If Facebook's stock drops too low, then expect something crazy or bold to happen. Hitting the half-price mark from where it started only conveys that the company was a red herring and is worth about as much as a single internet server. At that point, Zucky will have to make some tough decisions about his company's future. Can they compete against Google? Can a single social network really become a marketable company? Will Mark Zuckerberg ever find true love?

I honestly expect, somewhere down the line, that Google will buy out Facebook for controlling share of the company. It might end up being the only option for the Zuckmeister as investors realise just how worthless his big internet billboard is. If you want good investments, look into small companies that just started, read their portfolios, and see if they actually have marketable worth.

I know this was a little different from my usual spiel, but I love railing against Facebook.

That's all for now,
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Westboro Baptist Church visits Rutgers; decide to "fuck it."

Standing out in the rain, the members of the Westboro Baptist Church decided to "fuck it" and leave 45 minutes before they had scheduled to do so. Students packed the sidewalks, sporting signs such as "Balls in my ass"(http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs057.snc3/14447_165171826111_728276111_2660757_433267_n.jpg) and one which simply stated "AHHHHHHH!"
The members of the WBC arrived early, 15 minutes early to be exact, which is odd for them because they believe that God hates punctuality. Just as soon as they had arrived and upon seeing the hordes of half-drunk, half-serious students and decently good-looking girls, they exclaimed "Fuck it!" and left.
"I ain't gonna be standin' round lookin' at these hot chicks! Shit! I have an inbred wife at home and she has 3 titties!" said one John Dickus of the WBC. The members of the WBC were then packed into their van, which looked mysteriously like the Mystery Machine, and drove away.
"They were here?" asked Rutgers sophomore Davis Field. "I just came here because I wanted to get with Angie over there, the cute brunette." Davis just might get his wish.
The WBC posted on their website the reason for protesting at Rutgers: "Rutgers Hillel - You have two mascots? God H8s Fags already 93 College Ave Why does New Jersey have to be so friggin' weird about everything? These guys have two mascots at this college. Is that in case one of them is offensive to someone? I'm just sayin'! WBC needs to have a few words with these young people because all of the people who ever had any influence over them - LIED! What did you do that for? Why did you lie to those kids. Oh well, they're all grown up now, so they must find out for themselves that God is NOT a liar, like you told them He is."
If anyone understands backwoods moron, please translate.

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In actuality, I arrived after the members of the church left. I didn't even get to whip out my sign. They actually did leave early, as Rutgers students outflanked and outgunned the WBC members about 20-1. I was hoping to write about a heated protest, shouts, civil unrest, etc., but noooo. Even newschannel 4 left early. God damn.

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Das Düfüs! (In case you have not yet figured it out, I replace my "U's" with umlaos.)

In case you did not understand the concept of this picture, it is Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) displaying one of his many idiosyncratic rules to Bro-dom: The Hot-Crazy Scale. The underlying concept of this is to weigh a girl's hotness to her craziness and see which one comes out on top. Yes girls, you are just a bit crazy, even if you don't want to admit it.

Aside from the How I Met Your Mother reference (Monday nights, 8 P.M., CBS; no, I was not paid to say that), I shall relate a story of how some girls tiptoe the line, while others drive a tank over it.

My first story comes from my friend, who, for the purpose of anonymity, will be called Willie; the girl will be called Stephanie. Willie had been dating Stephanie for the better part of a year and several months. Things had seemed to go well, except for several instances of Stephanie becoming irritated because Willie had chosen to spend some time with his friends instead of being incarcerated in her company. As the story was related to me, Willie, Stephanie and a friend were driving and Willie had to use the bathroom (Willie usually has to pee every 10 minutes; he seems to have the bladder of a pregnant woman). When Willie stepped out of the car to relieve himself, Stephanie apparently began vilifying Willie in front of the friend (let's call him "Jim," just for the hell of it). She began saying things such as "This is the last straw," and "I've had enough." Needless to say, Jim was bewildered. Anyone and everyone who knows Willie knows that his bladder is the size of a peanut. So, Willie and Stephanie had a fight and broke up. Then, according to several other stories that I have heard, Stephanie went crazy and began to hook up with extremely random people, all the while stating that she was the innocent victim of his bladder. Willie, on the other hand, was confounded at what had happened. He wallowed around for a bit until he hooked up with a much hotter girl at a party. Oddly enough, Stephanie found out, made her facebook status "Willie and (Jane) hooked up... that's really cute <3." Just another demonstration of how facebook can be used to wage impersonal attacks. Sad.

My second story comes directly from me, sadly enough. I had started hooking up with a girl early in August. Quite literally, the second time we met up, she invited me to her house, and since she was driving, I had no reason to not agree. Upon entering her house, she introduced me to her entire family. When I say entire family, I don't mean her parents and siblings; I mean her grandparents and some extended family. Obviously, I felt like suddenly remembering that I had a dentist's appointment in 5 minutes. I suffered through that LARGE ordeal and continued to hook up with her for several more weeks. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, seeing as she thought that her family had left (not to mention that she is a dancer, nice body). After that, we had a short talk about how, since we are going to colleges in separate states, should not pursue a relationship. I also did not want a relationship with her since we had nothing in common, and usually nothing to talk about. However, several weeks later, I went to pick her up at her house. She told me to come in, for whatever reason. Being a gentleman, I obliged, only to find myself in an awkward confrontation with her mother, father, and pregnant sister. It seems that she had invited me in (at least superficially) to watch a video of Tiger Woods farting while playing golf. Fascinating, eh? I also find it fascinating that she was forcing me to meet her family, even though I told her EXPLICITLY that I did not want a relationship. I did not want any of the caveats of a relationship; I only wanted to have a good time. Essentially, I was hoping that the bastion of "friends with benefits" would hold solid. I have not talked to her since then.

To you women (if any read this blog anyway), do not take offense; these are only singular cases (hopefully). I am hoping that not all girls are emotionally dependent, or a little odd in the head, or anything of the sort. Honestly, you can't control the world and force us into relationships. You need to realize that if we do not want to be in a relationship, your efforts to force us into one will only end with a dissolved friendship. I advise you to think logically before you take any such action.

Sorry that this entry hasn't had the usual pleasantries. I'll rectify that in my next entry.

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